It’s been… 9 months, 2 days and so many hours since it happened. Since you said “maybe we aren’t suited to be friends”. It’s difficult to say what caused our falling out – something about a boring Halloween party – but I think it was something that had been building. Little rifts here and there over the past couple years that created a fault line in our friendship that finally split open and created an untraversable fracture leaving me on one side and you on the other. Instead of it being the two of us against the world it become a battle between us, and that is a contest no one is going to win. Maybe I should’ve done something then, maybe I should’ve tried harder, maybe I should’ve pointed out all the things that have happened in the last decade that proves we ARE meant to be friends – but I couldn’t then. I couldn’t because I was hurt, because I was sad, because I was angry. I still am all those things, but I realize I need to do this anyway. I couldn’t say my piece before, to fix this break and build a bridge – or at least be able to say “I did everything I could”. I couldn’t then, but I am now.

I’ve never been dumped before (probably due to my habit of leaving before I get left, but that’s a whole other issue) so maybe I’m not handling this the way I’m supposed to. I read guides, how-to’s on getting over someone, but none of them seem to understand what it’s like to try and live without someone who was your other half, someone you called your soulmate. I want to try and list all the things in my life that recall something we did together to mind, but it’s impossible. I didn’t go a day without talking to you for 8 years, almost every memory I have relates back to you. We did everything together. Every movie I saw, every party I went to, every flight of stairs I fell down – it was all with you. We got our first tattoos together. We went to Christmas Eve service together. We kept each other safe when we were too drunk and kept each other’s spirits up when we were too sad. My good times were with you, my bad times were with you. Always with you. What I’m admitting now is what I’ve only admitted to myself so far, and that is that I miss you. I miss what we had, I miss who we were. I miss how we pretended to get annoyed when we spoke in unison, but I secretly loved how we were always on the same wavelength. I miss that you could pick up almost every obscure reference or quote I made. I miss having so many inside jokes that we could be off in peals of laughter while other people sat, bemused, wondering what was so funny about whispering “the blindside”. I miss not having to explain a preliminary backstory when I want to talk about something, because you always already knew it. I miss having someone I could do anything with, and someone I could do nothing with. I miss being part of a package deal, because everyone knew they couldn’t have one of us without the other. I miss telling the Graham story with you, it’s just not as fun by myself. I miss seeing a picture and immediately thinking “oh I have to send this to you”. Actually, I still do think that; the only problem is now I don’t follow through. I miss it being you and me against everyone else. I miss my best friend.

But I’m also mad at you. So incredibly, unbelievably angry. I’m mad that you could throw this away. I’m mad that I meant so fucking little to you that you could walk away without a backwards glance. I’m mad that you wouldn’t fight for me. God, why wouldn’t you fight for me? I would’ve done anything for you. I’m angry because when I look back on our friendship, I can easily say that you did shitty things to me over the course of our friendship. No one would argue me on that point; I’ve got a backlog of evidence to prove it. I’m mad at you for treating me like I was second best, I’m mad at you for not listening when I tried to open up to you, I’m mad at you for using me to get drives. I’m mad at you for everything you ever did wrong. Only, when I try and pinpoint something major… I can’t do it. Maybe it’s just nostalgia causing me to see the past through rose coloured glasses, but when I want to come up with the reasons I’m better off without you, the things that made you a toxic friend, there are only a few examples that come to mind. I can think of fights we had – stupid arguments over boys or sleeping arrangements – but even I can admit that those were always a two way street and my hands are no cleaner than yours. Most of what I remember is the good things, the little things, the things that don’t matter to anyone else. And that makes me mad too. That you can hurt me so badly and I still want to see the best in you – you don’t deserve that power unless you’re going to use it for good. Which you didn’t.

If I’m being honest – which I might as well be, if I’m going to do this – the anger is an instrument to protect myself. If I’m angry, I’m not sad. If I’m hard, I won’t be hurt so easily again. I’m angry because I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore. I don’t want to be scared. If I admit I’m scared, there’s a whole list of things I have to be scared about. I’m scared that ‘forever’ was only 8 years. I’m scared that from here on out, you will not be a part of my life. I’m scared that for every big life event I experience, everything will have a black cloud over it because I’m remembering I was supposed to experience it with you. That when I look around at my wedding day at all the faces of my bridesmaids, it will hurt just as badly then as it does now to find that yours will not be there. What hurts the most, what worries me the most is that maybe you haven’t noticed my absence in your life – or that maybe you have, but it just doesn’t matter to you. I’m scared that our lack of a future doesn’t hurt you as badly as it hurts me – that you’ve moved on. I’m scared that you don’t miss me as much as I miss you. Every time I come to town I want to call you – every time a mutual friend mentions what you’re up to I get a pang in my heart feeling that I should’ve known that already.

Maybe I’m right to be scared. Maybe you don’t miss me, maybe you’ll read this and laugh. Maybe you’ll think about how pathetic I am before going back to your new life, your new friends, your new replacement for me. Maybe I don’t mean anything to you anymore – maybe I never did. That thought is what has kept me from reaching out for so long. If you cared about me, why weren’t you the one to apologize first? Or at least apologize second after I tried to make amends a few months back? I swore that was the end of my attempts; if you didn’t care enough then, what would have changed by now? Probably nothing. This is probably going to get me nothing but a broken heart. Going out on a limb means you have a possibility of falling, but I’m ready to do it anyway. After all, I have nothing to lose and my best friend back to gain – and that’s everything.

It Saturday morning, and my weekend is already over! Alas. It was nice though! Thursday evening I got off work a couple hours early and we ordered some pizza, watched Howl’s Moving Castle and played Rogue Legacy. It was a nice date night in. And then Friday we both had the whole day off!
We had a really nice day. We were thinking of going to a movie but there was really nothing good playing so we decided to go for a walk instead. We went shopping downtown and bought some cool stuff! I got little heart earrings and an anchor bow from this little boutique I love, so cute. We went to a books, coins & collectibles shop and my boyfriend bought some trading cards, I wanted to buy a cool coin but the shopkeeper gave me a half-penny for free! I was excited. Then we went to the coffee shop for a mocha (for Dustin) and a London fog (for me) and an oat cake (to share) and we hid in there until the rain cleared up. Later that evening we also had a dinner date! It was a nice and busy day.
When we got home from dinner there was a bird trapped under the awning at our front door, he kept hitting the light like a moth it was sad. We tried to rescue him but he wouldn’t cooperate. I had a craving to watch Fellowship of the Ring but I only got halfway through and realized I should really go to sleep since it was after 1am and I started work at 8. I didn’t get to sleep until almost four though and accidentally slept through my alarm and I was 45 minutes late for work ugh. I hate being late for stuff! Anyway that was my (short) weekend!

Awkward face, trying to see my earrings!

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My half penny!

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The stuck bird, poor lil guy

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Today was not particularly exciting. I spent most of the evening working on designing a cookbook I’m making for myself and watching friends. Yesterday I made up this delicious casserole recipe with chicken and mushroom soup and it was excellent. Saturday night I had been worried about going over to Dustin’s friends house but we ended up having a lot of fun! We played some board games and drank some beer and made some offensive jokes. Good times! I have this Friday off work (another one day weekend, ugh) and I have to go to the clinic because I hurt my back. But we also have a plan to order pizza so I’m still excited. My cat friend Jupiter is doing well and I have a new black and white buddy I haven’t named yet who I’ve met twice who is really sweet. I give them both treats most nights on my walk home from work. Oh, oh, I finally got wifi at work! That’s an exciting thing that happened today :)

Here’s the chicken-mushroom dish I made! I didn’t have a recipe but I’ve heard that mushroom soup is good on chicken so I just sorta winged it! I baked the chicken in the soup with some flavor add-ins (cayenne, garlic, mustard, pepper) steamed the veggies and cooked the rice and then put it all together! Very yum.

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And a silly squinty photo of me after a few drinks Saturday night! Cute.

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I’ve just gotten home from an elaborate breakfast run! Takes three different stores just to bring home brekky for me and the boy. It’s my one day off that I have this week and I wish I was going to have a bunch of time to relax but I have errands to run and chores to do. We’re hanging out with my boyfriends best friend and his new girlfriend tonight, should be interesting. I had a dreadfully busy week between work and home and planning a birthday surprise for my father! I won’t say what it is in case my mom is reading (hi, mom!) but it had one large element which I managed to acquire, a complicated element that I finished designing and some small elements I still need to get. It’s gonna be really cool, I hope. Last night on the walk home from work there were four grey kittens outside by this house a couple blocks from ours. I gave them some treats but I was worried about them so Dustin and I went back out at like 2am with more food to check on them but they were gone, HOPEFULLY indoors. We did see a couple other outdoor cats that we gave some treats too. I wish people cared more about their cats. You need to take care of your pets!

Jinx being a cutie

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I go my hair cut super short! I didn’t like it at first but now that I’m used to it it’s kinda cute. It has been very rainy here lately it has rained nonstop for about a week. Last night I made s’more brownies! They were pretty tasty. I have several photos to attach. Shoppers drug mart didn’t give me the optimum points I was due yesterday so I sent them an email I hope they fix it. I have a sore back :(

This is the day I got my hair cut!

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I had to wear this huge poncho to walk to work in the ark-building weather we had last week! I was still completely soaked from the knees down.

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It's possible I was supposed to use small marshmallows on the s'more brownies…

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But they turned out pretty tasty looking all the same!

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Yesterday my work had a wacky Olympics event complete with motorized toilet racing and gladiator jousting! It was so much fun and a nice break from working too! It’s finally Friday today I’m so glad. It’s been a long week.

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Last night we used our barbecue for the very first time which was an overall success despite a bit of mess and the fact that boy don’t read instructions. I used too much data on my phone by accident so now I can’t use Internet anymore when I’m not at home on wifi and it’s really weird! I’m used to being online most of the time so going 9 hours without checking any social medias is weird for me! Kind of nice though. Freeing! Attached is a photo of the delicious burgers that I made from scratch and the lemon dill carrots, both of which we made on the BBQ!

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