Doodle Julie has weddings on the brain! And she has messy hair. I should really be a wedding planner. I’m not in a rush to get married (I swear!) but I love everything about weddings. They are just so lovely. I love looking at dresses, bouquets, venues, everything that is weddingy. 
When gloom is hovering over your head, you need to take a break
My “best friend” in highschool purposely and knowingly ruined my life (or my highschool experience, anyway) a few years back. I got really sick and had to miss a bunch of school and drop out of the sport we participated in together. When I was finally well enough to return, she decided I was a “bad friend” for not spending any time with her, refuse to talk to me anymore and turned all our mutual friends against me by telling them how I betrayed her. I spent every lunch hour alone in the bathroom for two years, lonely and miserable everyday. Well guess what, miss Heather: I now have new, NICE friends who actually care about me, an amazing boyfriend who loves me, a 94 average in college and a great, well paying job. You just got dumped, you don’t have a job at all and you’re getting fat. It might seem childish that I’m glad things aren’t going well for you, but I am. Karma’s a bitch, bitch.
I wish I knew what to do or say to make someone feel better sometimes. I find that I end up feeling worse than the sad person because I feel so useless. I want to help so bad but it’s so hard to say the right thing, and sometimes there just isn’t anything you can do. All the perfectly timed sensitive words in the world can’t fix all the pain someone with a broken heart feels.
Feelings are much harder to articulate than they are to feel.
“are you sad?”
“no.”
“is anything bothering you?”
“no.”
“I love you…”
“I love you too.”
That’s me right now. And I’m the one saying the completely useless things. Why is expressing ones emotions so difficult? I read once that newborns only have 2 emotions: comfortable and uncomfortable. After a few years you gain a few and you can be happy, sad or mad. By the time you’re an adult (which I suppose I must be, although admittedly I don’t think of myself as one all the time) there are so many that it’s nearly impossible to choose one. Apathetic, stressed, bewildered, pensive, worried, sleepy. These all describe me right now. So am I sad? Maybe. I’m more than that, though, I only wish it was that simple. I wish I could be a baby and only think in basic needs. Wouldn’t life be simple that way? If we didn’t have all these complex emotions to make everything so much harder. Even if you can pinpoint your emotions down to one or two, if you don’t have an explanation of why you’re feeling them it won’t do you much good to know what they are. That’s my problem. It’s not that I don’t feel, it’s that I can’t explain why. Someday I’ll learn to explain them well, but for now, I’ll go to sleep. I should apologize for being difficult to understand. And when he comes to bed, I’ll tell him I love him with the feelings behind it that such a statement deserves. At least that one will always have an explanation.
My cat is called Trouble, and he is a particularly beautiful example of a feline. I’m really interested in taking up photography as a hobby (or job maybe) and he is a good practice subject.
I wrote this a few months ago, and saved it under “deep thoughts” on my phone. The problem is, my so-called deep thoughts aren’t much good if I save them to myself and don’t let anyone else learn how I think. So here are my thoughts on the word LOVE:
Love isn’t a good enough word anymore. “Love” is what you call anything you’re fond of, be it a favourite colour, a sweater, a video game… anything. Something that can only describe the love and between people. I don’t want to be using the same word to describe my feelings towards my most flattering pants that I use to describe my affection for the most important boy in my life. So I want a new word. A stronger word. A word that you wouldn’t dare use on anything but the deepest, most true feelings in your heart. A frighteningly powerful word that brings with it the commitment and promises of a lifetime. A word that you could never take back or deny, because if you dared to use it, they would know you meant it. A word you have to whisper because it’s too sacred to yell. A word that expresses how complete and unchangeable your feelings are. A word that if you tried to use for a trivial sentiment would be as offensive as the worst profanities you could imagine. A word that can only be shared between two people whose hearts belong entirely to the other. If such a word existed, that would be the word I would say to you.
I haven’t seen your sun in weeks, it seems,
beneath your fog and clouds.
Overcast
and cast away.
Hints of peaking light make me hopeful,
but the rain returns
to drown my dreams away.
The forecast is cloudy, dreary, sad –
and I don’t see it clearing up
any time soon.
I pray for sunshine
I plead for light,
I need to see it,
I need to know it’s there.
To know it will return, someday.
I will learn to bottle my rays
and hand them off to you.
This is a poem I wrote about a month and a half ago, about someone close to me who is going through a hard time. It is difficult for me to not feel responsible for things, even when I know that I am not to blame. I feel like I must have some sort of mental disorder where you constantly feel the need to care for others and feel like a failure if you’re not doing it properly. The poem is meant to express the sort of despair I feel when faced with this problem I can’t solve: this sadness in them. However, I do think I can help. And I will. I will share my sunshine until his clouds clear. That’s what love is.
